An exclusive interview from Bogey News
By Slime McBucket
SM: It’s good to meet you, Fungus and Mildew. I’d like to start by asking you a few questions about your life here under ground. What's your favourite part of the house?
FUNGUS: Probably the Barathrum.
MILDEW: ...mmm yes. Where you can wash in some really grimey muck.
SM: And how do you keep your house dirty Mildew?
MILDEW: I’m very houseproud so I do a lot of dirtying up. It’s amazing how clean a house can get with two great grown boys in it.
FUNGUS: Yeah, she’s always on at us to keep our boots on when we come in from work.
MILDEW: Oh, yes, but I don’t mind him taking them off if he’s got some nice toe jam. I like a scrape of that on toast. But I like him to get his boots straight on again, to keep the floors mucky.
FUNGUS: Well, I do my best.
MILDEW: Yes, you do. You always put plenty of snails in the bed...
FUNGUS:And I make sure the fridge is switched off so everything can go musty.
MILDEW: Ooh, yes! Fusty and musty! And plenty of slugs in the washing up.
SM: What's your favourite smell?
FUNGUS: Mouldy sandwiches.
MILDEW: Rotting flies. Lovely.
SM: When you go above ground to where the Drycleaners live, what smells do you like up there?
FUNGUS: Well in hot weather they sometimes get a bit smelly, which is nice. But most of the time they’re just too clean. You get some really nice smells coming out of farms..
MILDEW: Yes, they seem to be more civilized, places with animals.
SM: Do you prefer grown up Drycleaners or children Drycleaners?
MILDEW: I don’t like any of them. I think they’re horripilations. Obviously the children are a bit
muckier but as they get older they get made to clean up too much. They smell lovely and sicky as babies. But it’s not until they’re teenagers that they get a bit rebellious...
FUNGUS: Yes, teenagers especially boys, like to live in nice, mucky rooms and grow mould under their beds from old sandwiches. They’re a bit more normal. More like us.
MILDEW: But it gets knocked out of them, it’s a shame. It’s not normal. Mind you our Mould can be a bit rebellious.
FUNGUS: Well, it’s peer pressure, you know, to wear clean clothes, that sort of things.
MILDEW: And clean trainers, that’s all the rage now. Clean trainers! With no sweat in them! They’re using Odour Eaters! I mean, Odour....Eaters!
FUNGUS: What’s wrong with odour? It was good enough for us when we were their age! But he’s not a bad lad.
MILDEW: He’s not bad. He’s coming on all right I suppose, he’s even been growing a few boils lately.
FUNGUS: He’s coming out to work with me a bit now. It’s important to follow the traditions of visiting the Drycleaners, like we’ve always done and reminding them that there’s a dark, dank world out there, a natural world.
MILDEW: I think it’s time a few bogey ladies went above ground too, we’re not just going to stay at home, dirtying up, like we always have done. I’ve had a little look up the tunnels and it’s very interesting.
FUNGUS: There’s no reason not to. We could go to work together.
MILDEW: But it you go above ground, you have to be careful you don’t dry out or get hot. That’s very unhealthy and it’s bad for your warts.
SM: What’s your favourite food?
MILDEW: Lard boiled egg with maggots or squashed fly biscuits! I’ll let you have the recipe! And if you know any dryleaner children who might want to visit us, you tell them to get good and dirty first!
SM: Thank you, Fungus, thank you Mildew!
Mildew’s Recipe for Squashed Fly* Biscuits:
100g/3.5oz butter, melted in a saucepan
100g/3.5oz sieved icing sugar
100g/3.5oz plain flour, plus extra for dusting
100g/3.5oz egg whites
200g/7oz currants*
*flies make drycleaner children very poorly, so you're best to use currants instead....
1. Preheat the oven to 180c/350F/Gas 4
2. Mix together the butter, icing sugar and flour until smooth. Slowly add the egg whites, stirring, until they are mixed in well, then fold in the currants. Bring together into a ball, wrap in cling film and chill for at least one hour.
3. Roll the dough on a lightly floured surface out to 5mm thick. Cut into 12 rectangles. Place on a baking tray lined with greaseproof paper, ensuring the biscuits are not touching each other. Chill in fridge for further 30 minutes.
4. Bake the biscuits for 8 - 10 minutes or until golden brown. Remove from the oven and cool on a wire rack. Once cool EAT! And if you have any left over then keep them in an air-tight tin.
REMEMBER: Ovens get very HOT and you should only use them with a grown-up. Be careful!
